Experiments of an Illicit Nature
by darklady919
Summary: Dietrich... decides to experiment a little. With rather random illegal, well, some of them are legal, substances. 2nd chapter is caffeine. M for language and themes. Second genre should probably be weird.
1. Chapter 1

This fic is… a really, really sad attempt at humor. Really. The inspiration for it came from my forensics class, where we are currently learning about different types of drugs, and I turned to my beta and said, "Wouldn't it be cool if…?"

This was what resulted from that idea.

Don't get me wrong. I love Dietrich; he's one of my favorite characters.

If it makes you feel any better, you can pretend I was on drugs when I wrote it.

Don't worry, I promise I won't kill him. I like him too damn much…

Though he and the other Orden members may be a little OOC in this fic. Sorry 'bout that…

Disclaimer: If I owned Trinity Blood, why the hell would I be writing fan fiction for it?

Thanks to moonpixi – the beta of this fic, and my manager, and who is going to kill me if I don't continue with my other story very, very soon.

-----------------------------------------------------------

Chapter 1: First Taste

Dietrich wandered through the city, absentmindedly looking around at the bright lights.

There was _nothing_ to do.

That was, of course, why he was out here, wandering around. No one in the Orden wanted to play with him and his strings, or really do much of anything with him…

Honestly, they were all vampires! If he accidentally cut something off they could just regenerate it or reattach it, no big deal.

Unfortunately, no one else seemed to think of it that way.

Though he did find it a bit odd that whenever he seemed to get really bored he could never find anyone, not even Lord Cain. If they were all avoiding him over that little incident a few months ago then there was really no need to; Isaak had already made him promise not to play with members of the Orden, strings, and C4 ever again…

Granted, Lord Cain had enough problems with falling apart at random moments; he really didn't need Dietrich's help in that regard.

Still, it would have been interesting to see how well and how long he could hold Lord Cain before the Crusnik's body began to fall to pieces.

_I wonder if I could control all the pieces separately?_

No, best not to follow that train of thought. He much doubted that Contra Mundi would ever give him the chance to find out.

So there he was, left to wander around the city, wishing he could go to Rome and torture Esther some more, but Isaak had explicitly forbidden him to go anywhere near Rome.

Which left him so FREAKEN' bored…

There wasn't even anyone particularly interesting walking about near him.

He sighed.

And then a brilliant idea struck him.

Granted, it probably wasn't a _good _idea, and if Isaak ever found out he'd probably catch hell for it, but there was nothing else better for him to do.

Actually, there was nothing else period for him to do.

And so he once again set off, paying more attention to the signs that he passed, looking for a particular type…

_Ah, found one._

Happy that he now had something to do, Dietrich grinned.

And entered "Jimmy, Jake, and Joseph's Bar".

It wasn't very well lit, but it was very crowded. Perfect for what he wanted – the bartender would hopefully be more interested in serving patrons drinks than in determining their ages.

Perfect.

Time to experiment.

……………………………………

About two hours later Dietrich decided that, yes, this was not his most brilliant idea yet. Actually, it had all the potential to be one of his worst.

He had lost count some time ago as to how many drinks he had had. He did know – or at least he thought – he had had maybe about 15 different drinks, of all different strengths and sizes.

And Isaak was going to kill him.

As it was, he had no idea what exactly he was currently drinking, or even what was in it; only that it had some really bizarre name…

He had discovered rather early on that many of the mixed drinks had ridiculously long names – he figured that was so that the drunker you were, the less likely you were to ask for one, on the grounds you could no longer pronounce it.

Oh, that was it. He was currently drinking a… Sour Apple Summer in the City.

He didn't remember asking for it though, only that he had seen one much, much earlier… like before drink number 4.

Not really paying attention, he drank the rest of the drink.

Maybe just one more… 

……………………………………….

Isaak sighed and looked up from his computer and the report he was working on.

Something didn't quite feel right.

But what was it?

Ahhh, Dietrich wasn't pestering him.

Isaak blinked. That was actually rather odd, considering that Dietrich was almost always bored, and thus looking for something – or, more often, some_one_ – to "play" with. And, since the others all tended to avoid Dietrich like the plague when he was bored, especially after that tragic accident with the C4, Dietrich was normally here, attempting to get him to do… something.

Since he wasn't here, however, that could only mean that Dietrich had found something to do.

Which… could be very bad.

Suddenly Isaak found himself experiencing a strange, sinking feeling…

He stood up from his computer immediately, with every intention of going and finding Dietrich before he maimed someone important. He turned around –

– And almost ran straight into Cain.

Who simply stood his ground and raised an eyebrow.

"Where, might I ask, is von Lohengrin, Magician?"

………………………………………

O.K., this was definitely the last shot. He did wish to return to the Orden somewhat sober.

What Dietrich was failing to understand was that he was far, far past any hope of even _appearing_ sober to anyone other than, perhaps, the others who were totally smashed.

He threw back the tequila with a very, very vague sense of triumph.

O.K., but that really did have to be the last one.

Dietrich pulled a credit card out of his pocket, sliding it across the bar to the bartender.

He didn't even want to think about how much money he was spending.

Actually, just not thinking would be rather nice right about now …

Dietrich blinked, and realized he had been staring at the returned credit card for several minutes while his mind sort of drifted. Quickly he pocketed it and stood up.

Well, at least he attempted to stand up. The whole room was spinning, and he was immediately reminded that this had not been one of his better ideas.

Oh, I am so dead when Isaak finds out… 

……………………………………

Dietrich wasn't entirely sure how he managed to return to the Orden – he seemed to be having rather major problems with remembering things today.

He really hoped he hadn't done something really stupid…

What he did know was that he was currently standing in front of headquarters, with absolutely no memory of how he had gotten there. His head felt so fuzzy; he shook his head to try to clear it.

_O.K., bad idea number… something_. He'd lost track some time ago of all the bad decisions he had made that night.

But the world was spinning in such an interesting fashion…

Maybe he could get to his room and collapse without anyone seeing him.

Quickly he opened the door and stepped into the large entrance hall.

And ran straight into Cain.

"I sincerely hope this doesn't become a trend of some sort…" the blond muttered, staring rather coldly at Dietrich, who had no idea what he was even talking about. That was the first time he had run into him, wasn't it? But Cain was continuing. "Where the hell have you…" he stopped suddenly, narrowing his eyes slightly and examining Dietrich a little closer before letting confusion take its place and turning around to face someone.

Shit. Isaak.

So much for trying not to be seen…

Cain turned back to him, his face unreadable. "… Are you drunk?"

He _really_ didn't want to answer that question.

But then the whole world tilted in yet another absolutely fascinating way before everything went black…

…………………………………

_I… feel like shit._

That was really the only way to describe it.

His head felt like it was being smashed under a building – repeatedly. His mouth felt like it was stuffed with cotton, he was thirsty, nauseous, and exhausted, and every little light and sound was sending more pain shooting into his head.

It really didn't help that Isaak was standing there looking at him.

Well, at least he was in his bed in his room. That part could have been worse.

And Isaak smiled at him all too cheerfully.

"Good morning, Dietrich! And how are we feeling today?" He asked rather loudly, flipping the light switch to turn on all the lights in the room.

Dietrich simply moaned, shutting his eyes tightly and burying his head under the blankets.

"So I'm to assume the answer is 'not well'." Isaak's voice had acquired a decidedly vicious tone to it.

Dietrich didn't even bother to answer.

"Do you even realize just how… _lucky_… you are? I'm surprised you even made it back here at all, never mind in one piece. Do you have any idea how high your blood alcohol level was? It was through the roof. And you are ridiculously lucky that Lord Cain found the whole thing rather humorous – I think it kept him from taking your head off right then and there."

Dietrich winced slightly under the blankets. "Please don't speak so loudly…" he begged.

"Oh, so you'd like me to speak louder?" Isaak said, raising his voice.

Dietrich made a sort of strangled whimper.

"Well, then maybe next time you'll actually think about what you're doing." Isaak's voice had turned cold enough to freeze nitrogen. "Get up. There's a meeting today; try not to act as hung over as you obviously are. You have 15 minutes."

Dietrich jumped as the door slammed. This was going to be a long day…

------------------------------------------------------------

Well, that's the first chapter…

I'm not even going to ask for reviews on this one. If you want to, then by all means, click the little purple box and tell me what you think.

But flames will be used to make chocolate chip muffins.

I hope you all enjoyed it. Or maybe that you just didn't hate it.

DarkLady


	2. Chapter 2

Hi!

Well, here's the second chapter, involving caffeine as the drug of choice (honestly, caffeine _is_ a drug). Now, I know caffeine's not illegal, but then, neither is alcohol. However, the results of too much can be rather humorous. Don't worry, the illegal stuff starts next chapter.

Thank you very much to all of you who reviewed! I was actually very surprised at the amount of positive feedback I received (I was honestly expecting to get one or two tops – instead, I got seven!!!!). Thanks a lot!

Again, I don't know much about Helga and the other Orden members who weren't in the anime, so they may seem a little OOC. Just keep in mind they are all trying to be as annoying as possible, and so are willing to push the boundaries of how they normally act. Sorry!

This chapter takes place after that meeting mentioned in the last chapter. Dietrich is still experiencing the effects of his hangover.

And thanks to moonpixi, who betas for me .

Happy Easter!

------------------------------------------------------------

Chapter 2: Yummylittlechocolatecandies!

Dietrich winced as yet another Orden member shouted something cheerfully across the mansion.

_They are having _way _too much fun with this._

Well, at least he was up. He had a headache that threatened to rip his head apart and he still felt slightly nauseous but he was, indeed, _up_.

He was also rummaging through the kitchen for something to reduce his headache and nausea. Unfortunately, it seemed like every single bit of medication – Tylenol, Aspirin, Advil – had all disappeared.

"Oh, Dietrich!" Helga cried merrily as she all but skipped into the kitchen. "What are you doing? Because if it involves any type of medication then you are _Out Of Luck_! Isaak had us get rid of any we happened to have. Guess you'll just have to bear through it!" She continued cheerfully, grabbing something from a draw – slamming it shut as loudly as possible, of course – and leaving the room.

Dietrich winced again and shot a halfhearted glare at the doorway and the now-absent ice witch.

Suddenly she appeared again, sticking her head through the doorframe. "I'm sorry, I forgot – GOODBYE, DIETRICH!!!!!!!!!!"

He grabbed the nearest object – it happened to be a glass – and flung it at her head. She simply ducked and let it shatter against the wall behind her, and took that as her clue to leave, disappearing down the hall again.

Dietrich swore.

Somewhere in the mansion, a door opened with a loud bang.

"_Dietrich!"_

Dietrich swore again, grabbing a dustpan and broom. How the hell had Isaak known that was him? That just didn't seem right, somehow…

He swept up the glass shards carefully before throwing them in the trashcan. As he went to put the broom away, however, he knocked something off the shelf. It was a bag of what looked like chocolate beans.

Intrigued, Dietrich picked up the bag. It was unmarked. He opened it and ate one of the little beans.

_Yum!_

Headache forgotten, Dietrich ate several more of them. Eyeing the bag carefully, he decided that he was going to want more of them.

Time for a trip to the store…

……………………………………………….

_These are very good._

The trip to the store had (thank God) been rather uneventful. Dietrich had managed to find a small candy store not too far from the mansion. He had simply walked in, shown the bag to the clerk, and asked for more.

He now had many bags of the little chocolate candies.

He also still had no idea what they were, as they had all been in a bin and it was up to the customer to put them in a bag. Or bags.

Well, at least now he had quite a bit. Even though he'd already had something like a bag and a half's worth of the candies.

Oddly enough, he was feeling very, very awake. He could have sworn when he woke up that morning that he would be exhausted all day, but he was actually feeling very energetic.

But he did have work to do. He'd wanted to improve the resiliency of his strings after the C4 incident, but he simply hadn't gotten around to it yet.

_I could probably do that now, since everyone else has decided to make my day miserable. They _do _tend to avoid my workshop for some reason…_

He grabbed about four bags of the candies and headed off to his workshop.

…………………………………………

Isaak sighed.

He'd been looking for Dietrich for the past half hour. The boy wasn't in his room or workshop, and none of the other Orden members had seen him.

Actually, no one had really seen him for the past several days – not since that whole alcohol fiasco. Isaak had really hoped that this time he'd wait at least a month before doing something else to cause the RCO members distress. It seemed as though his hope had been in vain.

Sometimes Isaak wondered if it was a good thing that Dietrich's life seemed to be tracked by what mess he had created around himself at any given time.

Probably not.

This seemed to be a candidate for one of those markers. When Isaak had finally braved Dietrich's workshop he had been shocked at the state of the room. It looked like a whirlwind had torn through it. And now Dietrich was missing.

Isaak decided he was probably safer not knowing. Giving up on finding Dietrich for the time being he retreated to his own workshop. He still had to write that program…

Not five minutes after he sat down, Isaak heard feet running towards his workshop. Experience told him it was Dietrich.

_This could be… interesting. Unfortunately, it will probably be bad._

The door slammed open.

"HeyIsaakwhatchadoing?" Dietrich asked cheerfully, literally bouncing into the room.

Isaak blinked. "Excuse me?"

"Whatchadoingprogrammingcodingsomethingohowboring." Came the rapid reply as Dietrich started jumping from foot to foot, as though he couldn't stand still.

_Well, I found the whirlwind._

Still jumping and impatiently waiting for… something, Dietrich pulled a little bag out of a pocket and put about five brown beans in his mouth, chewing happily.

Isaak's eyes narrowed. "What are those?"

"Yummylittlechocolatecandies!" Came the enthusiastic reply. "They'rereallyreallygooddoyouwantsome?"

Isaak paused. "…You don't know what they are." It wasn't a question. "Give me the bag."

Dietrich happily gave him the whole thing.

And took out another – fuller – bag.

Isaak raised an eyebrow.

"_Yummy_littlechocolatecandies." Dietrich repeated happily, eating about six more.

Isaak hesitantly tried one.

And tasted espresso.

"… Chocolate covered espresso beans."

Dietrich shook his head violently. "Notheyareyummylittlechocolatecandies."

"Indeed. How many of these have you had?" Isaak asked slowly.

"Lotsandlotsandlotsandlotsofbagsofyummylittlechocolatecandies."

Isaak sighed. "Over what time period?"

"Umumumumummm…threeorfourdaysmaybewheneverourlastmeetingwas?" Dietrich was starting to shake.

That wasn't good. "How many bags?" Isaak asked, almost dreading the answer.

"Lotsandlotsmaybeawholebageverytwohoursorso?"

"…So you're on a caffeine high." Isaak noted that Dietrich's shaking was getting worse. "You know, I can't even think of a creative punishment for you, though the crash you're about to experience may be enough of one."

Dietrich blinked at him rapidly.

"Give me all of the bags you have with you." Isaak ordered flatly.

"Giveyouallthebagsofyummylittlechocolatecandies?" A rather sad tone had entered Dietrich's voice.

"Yes. All of them. Now." He added when Dietrich hesitated.

Dietrich looked crushed, but none-the-less attempted to give Isaak the bags. Attempted, because he was shaking too badly to actually go into the pockets, grab the bags, and hand them to Isaak.

Isaak sighed again. He wasn't sure why Dietrich was being so obedient, but he didn't want to question it. He grabbed Dietrich's shoulders and forced him to sit in the chair. He then went through Dietrich's pockets, collecting about four more bags of the espresso beans, all the while feeling like a parent with a rather disobedient child – Dietrich kept on trying to squirm out of his grasp.

"Stop moving." Isaak ordered, watching as Dietrich attempted to do so, still shaking. "Do you know what the effects of too much caffeine are? It actually will cause exhaustion, confusion, irritability, gastro-intestinal problems… some of which you are going to be feeling very shortly."

"Isaak?"

A one-word question, but he was still speaking ridiculously fast. "Yes?"

"IthinkImayhaveknockedLordCainoveratsomepointonmywayheremaybedoyouthinkhe'llbeverymad?" Dietrich asked.

Isaak just looked at him. "What do you think?"

"Ithink?"

Well, at least he was beginning to speak a little slower. "Yes, you do think. Supposedly. Sometimes you do stupid things like this that make me wonder." Isaak answered.

"Butthey…were…yummylittlechocolatecandies."

"So you've told me. Several times. Do you have any other bags around the house?" Isaak noticed the definite slowing of Dietrich's speech.

"…Yes?" Dietrich's voice was beginning to shake.

"Where?"

Dietrich shrugged.

"Bags? Do they happen look like this?" Came a rather annoyed voice from the door of the workshop.

Isaak knew that voice. All too well, actually.

"Lord Cain." He greeted, turning around and spotting the unmistakable little bag of chocolate covered espresso beans being held in Cain's grasp. "Ah, yes, those."

He saw Cain's eyes wander to the pile of bags already on the table. He raised an eyebrow.

Dietrich… _giggled_… and happily murmured something Isaak was sure was "yummylittlechocolatecandies". Dietrich tried to bolt out of the chair to grab them from Cain.

He didn't get very far. Isaak immediately grabbed him and pushed him back into the chair as Cain commented wryly, "Are we performing an experiment I was unaware of?"

"Not exactly. It seems as though Dietrich has managed to acquire many bags of chocolate covered espresso beans, resulting in a caffeine high. I'm currently attempting to get him to tell me where all of the other bags are… where did you find that one?"

"They fell out of one of his pockets when he crashed into me."

Isaak felt Dietrich tug on his sleeve. "Ithink…thathe'sreally, reallymad." Dietrich said happily, in a whisper that could be heard clearly throughout the room.

Isaak fought the urge to go slam his head up against a wall as he glared at Dietrich with all his might.

Dietrich blinked and shifted away. "Ithink…thatyou'rereally, reallymad too." He muttered miserably.

Cain moved to stand in front of Dietrich. "You really can't stay out of trouble, can you?" It wasn't a question.

Dietrich blinked up at him. "…Youcan…have…the yummylittlechocolatecandies." He offered.

Cain stared at him.

"I…don'tthinkthat…Isaakwill…letme…havethemback…anyway." He continued mournfully.

Cain shook his head and tossed the bag he had onto the pile. "Get rid of them all." He ordered curtly, walking out of the room.

Isaak murmured a soft "of course" as Cain swept by him. Dietrich now looked completely crushed, curled up and shaking from the fading high in the chair. He looked at Isaak sadly.

"He didn't want the yummylittlechocolatecandies."

Isaak sighed. He quickly gathered the bags sitting on the table. "Stay RIGHT THERE." He ordered sternly as he turned and left Dietrich to crash, locking the door behind him. He had a feeling that finding the bags would take a while.

But was to do with them afterwards…?

…………………………………………

"Cardinal Caterina."

The Duchess of Milan looked up at Sister Kate's hologram. "Yes?"

"We seem to have received a box filled with about forty bags of chocolate covered espresso beans."

_What on earth…?_

"…Who is it from?" Caterina asked, wondering why someone would send espresso beans to the AX.

However, before Kate could answer, the door opened and Tres entered, holding a small slip of paper. He walked over and put it on her desk.

"Duchess, a minor problem has transpired."

"Where did you get this?" She asked, confused. The writing on the paper said "Enjoy – IFvK"

"From the box received two hours, seven minutes, and fifty-two seconds ago." Tres responded.

She stared at it. "…You said we had a problem?"

"Father Nightroad seems to have ingested far more espresso beans than is recommended."

"Dear God…"

------------------------------------------------------------------

Well, that's chapter number two. Up next is marijuana.

I hope you all enjoyed the story (especially the ending!).

DarkLady


End file.
